warnings: triggers for self-harm and attempted suicide, character death, lapslock, unbeta'd
summary: pretty much this tweet.
zyxisagod: SCREAMS!! LOOK: "Fu Xi is said to have lived for 197 years altogether and died at a place called Chen (modern Huaiyang, Henan)" (source: wikipedia)
iya: I MEAN WHY WOULD WE GET THIS COINCIDENCE IT'S LIKE SAYING THAT HE DIED IN CHEN'S ARMS OR SMTH
note: a part of his favorite human verse
in some ways, chen has already known that nuwa wouldn’t grant him his wish, but that doesn’t stop him from boldly barging in to nuwa’s new study (previously fu xi’s, his heart aches at the thought). now that he thinks about it, the way he posed his request is impolite and he contemplates on penning down an apology to be sent to nuwa. what will fuxi think of it, he wonders. he runs a hand through a parchment paper while his other hand is gripping a brush.
“nuwa,” chen shouted, his voice demanding attention as the doors swing open. “can you take away my life?”
liyin looked shocked at first, and chen thought that it shouldn’t have been shocking to her, considering that the reason for his creation is…dead, already gone from this world. he curled his fingers up into a fist as he saw liyin’s expression change into something akin to pity.
chen stood his ground and repeated himself, “nuwa, take away my life, i have no reason for existing.”
liyin walked towards him, expression serene, like how a goddess should always be. chen wondered if liyin knows of its calming effects to humans. “i’m sorry i won’t be able to grant you that wish, dear chen,” she said, a hand gripping on chen’s arm as if she was unsure if she can pull him into a hug.
“why?” was the only word that came out of chen’s mouth as he stopped himself from lashing out, because it’s unfair — unfair that he was created to serve fuxi and now that fuxi is gone, he’s supposed to live an empty life.
“i… am a creator, chen. i create life,” liyin explained and chen couldn’t help but wonder if she was only saying this as an excuse, “i don’t take away life.” her voice was soft like she was afraid of breaking him. he ran away.
chen can’t bring it upon himself to get angry at her and he hates it. he knows that liyin is only looking out for him, but liyin doesn’t understand it. she can’t possibly understand the emptiness he feels, not when— he snaps out of his thoughts when the brush on his hand snaps as well. so much for writing an apology letter.
chen wakes up.
it’s the fourth day since it happened.
the palace is as quiet as it had been since the morning of his death. chen feels himself suffocating at the silence. he stands up and runs to his room, wanting to take in his scent. the room has remained untouched since that morning, and for that chen is thankful.
he goes over to the bed where they last spent the night together. he runs his hand through the fabric of yixing’s bedcloth, imagining the times they shared. he feels the tears threatening to fall so he lets them fall. his grip on the bedcloth tightened as he brings it to his chest.
“fuxi, fuxi, please come back to me,” chen chants over and over, as if repeating it for a certain number of times will make yixing come back. he falls asleep on yixing’s bed again that morning, eyes tired from crying and throat hoarse from murmuring.
chen wakes up again.
it’s still the fourth day since it happened, but it’s night time when he rose from the bed — yixing’s bed.
chen feels his eyes drooping and he just knows that his looks are not fit for a companion right now, much less fuxi’s. he looks at himself in the mirror by yixing’s closet. he wonders if he’d still be desirable to yixing if he sees him like this now, he laughs mirthlessly at the thought.
he stands up to smoothen down his robes and his hair before going out of the room. as he walks to the direction of the door, he sees something glimmering under the moonlight by yixing’s window. he changes his direction to inspect what it was, and saw a small dagger, immediately recognizing it as one of yixing’s favorite.
“it’s the sharpest one i’ve ever made!” yixing grinned proudly. “and look, this stone here in the handle is the same color as the robe you wore when we first met!”
chen’s fingers grip tightly on the handle of the dagger, his hand trying to adjust to the feeling of it. he runs a finger along the blade, and doesn’t freak out when he finds himself bleeding. it doesn’t hurt. it stings a bit, but it doesn’t hurt. the idea of plunging the dagger into his own heart plays on his mind. will it hurt? how long will it be until he die? how long until he can be with yixing again?
blood is dripping from chen’s finger but all he can focus now is the dagger on his hand. he tries to position it against his heart, trying to find the correct angle to hit that will guarantee his death. as soon as he’s satisfied, he takes one deep breath, pulls the dagger away from his body — the farther the dagger, the deeper it can go, he remembers reading from one of the books qian brought to the palace.
chen swings the dagger to the direction of his heart but he stops right before it can penetrate his skin. his hands become weak, rendering him unable to hold the weapon. he lets it fall to the ground with a clink! before he too falls right beside it, his legs losing its strength.
why am i scared? why am i shaking? i need to do this, i need to do this to be with fuxi, but why can’t i move?
chen tries to reach for the dagger again, the shiny steel tempting him to continue what he was doing. his vision blurs at his attempt and as he was about to touch the handle, he blacks out.
it had been an eventful night. liyin held a party for totally no reason, and all chen wanted to do was curl up with yixing in the bed by the end of it. it was why he was totally delighted when yixing called for him in his chambers right after the party.
chen saw yixing propped up on the window seat, moonlight shining on his face as he held a cup of tea in his hand. his breath hitched when yixing turned around to face him, holding out his free hand for chen to take, a silent invitation to come close.
chen moved with haste to reach yixing’s hand. he was pretty sure that yixing’s smile was an indication that he saw how chen almost slipped because of his robe, in an attempt to get closer faster. he felt himself blushing as yixing continued to stare at him. “you look beautiful, fu xi,” was the only thing he managed to blurt out.
“i hope you can see yourself right now,” yixing replied, the admiration in his voice made chen shiver. the god tugged chen’s hands, making the human sit down beside him. “help yourself to a cup of tea, my dear.”
it was when chen was on his second cup of tea that yixing entwined their pinkies together. chen looked at yixing’s face with a delighted smile, which soon turned into a confused look when he saw yixing deep in thought.
“we might not see tomorrow together,” yixing calmly said.
“fu xi?” chen’s voice was dripping with confusion. it was weird for yixing to say something cryptic, especially something that sounded bad.
yixing turned to look at chen, smiling as he raised their entangled pinkies, “i’ll be leaving everything in your care!”
chen put down their hands, wanting to look directly into yixing’s eyes, “fu xi, i don’t understand what you’re saying.”
yixing unlinked their pinkies and stood up in front of chen. “i…” he started, looking directly into chen’s eyes, and all chen wanted to do was reach out to touch him. “my love, the pain has become unbearable,” yixing’s voice was small, smaller than what chen was used to hearing. it was like yixing didn’t want to say it out loud. “the time for me to go has come.”
chen looked at yixing’s eyes, looking for a hint of playfulness that might indicate what was happening was just a joke. he was tempted to hit yixing to make the god stop whatever he was saying.
“i’m sorry i had to keep this hidden from you, and i hope you don’t blame yourself for not noticing either,” yixing took a deep breath before continuing, “i wish i’d have more time to be with you but the jade emperor has already been too generous.”
chen felt something wet running down his cheeks, and that was when he realized that he was crying. he wanted to grab on to yixing, to hug him with all his might but he couldn’t speak. he couldn’t utter a word, much less ask for a permission, so he kept on sobbing to himself. he saw yixing move from the corner of his eyes, could see the pained expression the god was sporting as he clutched on his heart. he stared at yixing again, this time silently asking for permission to touch with just his eyes, red and puffy from the tears.
yixing opened his arms and chen threw himself into it, forgetting about yixing’s pain. chen snaked his arms around yixing’s torso, pressing his ear over yixing’s collarbone as he cries.
“ah, your hugs really give me the best feeling in the world,” yixing’s tone was teasing, but it didn’t do anything to lighten up chen’s mood, “don’t cry, my love. it pains me to see you cry.”
chen shook his head before trying to speak through his sobbing, “fuxi— fuxi— please— i can’t— fuxi— yixing—”
chen felt yixing’s hand on his hair, long fingers threading on his locks, trying to calm him down. it lasted for a few minutes before chen’s tears subsided and all they could hear was a few sniffles.
“have you calmed down?” yixing asked, fingers still playing with chen’s wavy locks.
chen nodded, though his hold on yixing was still as tight as it was earlier on and his face was buried in yixing’s shoulder.
“wouldn’t you want to lay on the bed?” yixing playfully asked.
chen nodded again but made no attempt to move.
“should i carry you instead?” yixing whispered in his hair.
chen shook his head vehemently as he murmured, “i will walk, i don’t want to add on to fuxi’s pain.” he felt yixing nod against his head, but chen still didn’t make a move to disentangle himself from yixing.
yixing must’ve become impatient, making him carry chen bridal style, much to chen’s weak complaints of “fuxi, put me down.”
“i wouldn’t have the chance to carry you like this again, so indulge me and behave,” he replied, adding a wink to shut chen up.
chen wrapped his arms around yixing’s neck, enjoying the short walk from the window seat to yixing’s bed. once he was placed down, he scooted over to make space for yixing and they lied down. chen automatically positioning his head on yixing’s arm as yixing continued playing with chen’s hair.
“why didn’t you tell me earlier, fuxi?” chen’s voice was still hoarse from all the crying so he could only hope that yixing understood that.
“and what, see you heartbroken until the day i die?” yixing answered, smoothing out chen’s worried eyebrows.
chen looked up at yixing’s face, helplessness painted exclusively on his features. “is there really not anything that nuwa can do?”
“liyin has done enough by helping me talk to the jade emperor to extend my stay, love.”
chen choked back a sob. “where does it hurt?”
“here,” yixing placed chen’s hand on his heart. “it hurts really bad here, like my heart is being squeezed.” he then lifted chen’s hand to kiss it, “but it hurts more when i see you like this.”
chen lied his head down on yixing’s chest, hearing the god’s heart beat in a fast pace. he could feel the waterworks coming again so he distracted himself with tracing random shapes on yixing’s torso, not sure what to say to yixing.
“my body’s slowly getting paralyzed too, i can’t move my feet now,” yixing whispered, as if he didn’t want chen to hear but he had to know.
and it was when those words came out that chen wasn’t able to stop the waterworks. he cried a lot, drenching yixing’s robe with his tears.
“thank you,” yixing said, “for painting my dull world with your colors.” when chen didn’t reply he added, “i should thank liyin too but i don’t think i can move now, and i don’t want you to go.”
what came out of chen’s mouth though was something that yixing didn’t expect, he turned to look at yixing before asking, “fuxi, can i kiss you?” chen wanted to distract yixing from the pain, and it was the only way he knew to help.
“ah, my beautiful companion, still so polite even when i’m dying,” yixing laughed, “if you can kiss me until my last breath, that’d be the happiest death i can wish for.”
as soon as the permission was granted, chen kissed yixing, kissed him aggressively at first, parting only to breathe. chen kissed him gently afterwards with tears flowing out of his eyes. he felt yixing’s hands wiping them away, but he couldn’t stop them from falling, so he pulled away again.
“i’m sorry fuxi, i’m sorry,” chen repeatedly muttered. he sat down as he furiously wiped his tears using the sleeves of his robe.
“you don’t have to apologize,” yixing reached up to wipe the tears from chen’s cheek. “i hope you can cry it all out now. so that your smile can come up with the sun tomorrow,” yixing smiled softly, even though chen could still see him flinch a little due to the pain. “i trust you chen, i know you’re strong enough to manage on your own.”
“no fuxi, i— please— just—” chen couldn’t form a coherent sentence with his mind in shambles. he wanted to tell fuxi to take him, wanted to tell fuxi that he’d rather die than live a life without him. but he couldn’t so he just crashed their lips together again, hoping that the kiss would be able to convey the message he wanted to say, that his kisses could tell yixing all the words he wasn’t able to speak.
please don’t leave me. please live.
chen vaguely remembered hearing yixing’s breath hitching as he tries to whisper a “my love, let’s meet again in another time, another place” before he lost consciousness due to tiredness. he couldn’t remember if he replied but he wished he at least nodded.
chen woke up in the morning with an unresponsive but smiling yixing by his side. he cried and cried until qian came up to him and told him that they have to prepare yixing’s burial.
frantic voices are the first thing that chen hears when he wakes up. a flurry of “why is he still not awake?” and “he didn’t lose that much blood” mixed with “he’ll be okay” is what woke him up. chen groans, feeling his head hurt a lot. his groaning has attracted the attention of the source of the noise earlier as well.
“chen!” soojung rushes over to chen’s side, hugging him tightly, “i’m so happy you’re finally awake!”
chen croaks out a “what happened?” with his dry throat, prompting soojung to bark out commands to the maids to give him some water.
“i found you unconscious in fu xi’s room,” she starts, looking down at chen’s bandaged finger, “imagine my shock when i saw blood all over you only to find out that you injured your finger.”
chen looks at his bandaged finger too before replying to soojung, “i… tried to take my life away using fu xi’s dagger.”
“that doesn’t surprise me at all,” soojung sighs, “but chen, you should learn to live your life without fu xi. he won’t be happy if he learns that you’re torturing yourself after he… died.”
“i know that! i know that!” chen shouts, startling everyone in the room, “b-but… he was my reason for existing. how do you do it?” he shakes soojung’s body. “you were created to serve fu xi as well, how are you doing fine without him?”
soojung grabs a hold of chen’s hands. she massages them to calm him down as she talks, “i was not as attached to him as you were, that’s for sure,” she laughs melodiously, “but when he told me that he trusted me, that he knew that i would be able to help out here in the castle in my own way, i felt like i had to live up to that trust.”
“and just like that you had a new reason to exist?” chen asks, eyes boring into soojung’s own.
“just like that i had a new reason to exist,” soojung nods, “fu xi gave me a new reason to exist.”
chen nods, looking back to his bandaged finger. after that incident with the dagger, he realizes that no matter what he does, the gods will not let him die until it’s his destined time. he now knows he has to deal with the emptiness in his heart for a few more centuries, until it’s time for his and fu xi’s path to cross again.
he makes a move to grab his heart with his uninjured hand as he looks towards soojung’s direction. “nuwa told me that fu xi got reincarnated, do you think she will let me watch over fu xi’s reincarnation if i help around the castle?”
soojung grins, “i will even help you persuade her.”
chen mirrors soojung’s expression. he will get through this. it doesn’t matter if it takes a long time, as long as he get to stay by yixing’s side again. he'll get through this.
· some parts were written with this and this in mind.
· i haven’t properly written a fic since 2013, and this is what i churn out after a 2-year writing hiatus, im not even sorry that it’s character death.
· fun fact: the original title for this chapter was “ded yx, cry jd”
· to red: I know this is 2 months late, and im not even sure if i did justice on fu xi’s death (and im not sure if it’s up to par with your awesome writing), but hey, at least I finished it before valentine’s! (though i admit that my timing is shit).